With that said, we went to the beach today and we really had a great time. We probably saw close to 100 star fish while walking up and down the beach which was SO cool. I really wish I had my camera with us... too bad. We built a sand castle, ate lunch, and just had a good time.
Then... it was time to go and I promised them a cookie if they would help me pick up the sand toys and walk all the way to the car. I had to repeatedly remind Ben about the cookie to make him help pick up the toys... drives me crazy... I hate being a nag.
Then as we were walking to the car Ben and Chase ran into this little cabana Changing room stall and locked the door! There was no way that I could crawl underneath, but after repeatedly asking Ben to unlock the door I stuck my head under there where I could see them and sternly told him to "Unlock the door!" He was sitting on the bench in there and looked at me... laughed... told me, "No! Go away!" Oh my Gosh!!!! I wanted to punch my child. So I left them and took the stuff I had to the car (it wasn't very far away). I thought about driving away thinking that maybe they would learn their lesson... but maybe that's not the best idea since they are only 4 and 2 (almost). So... I went back and asked Ben to open the door again. They were in there laughing and saying, "I see mom's feet!" But still Ben wouldn't unlock the door. By this point they had probably been in there for over 10 minutes.
I was saying a little prayer in my head pleading to know what to do and praying for patience with my children... but I don't think the prayer was answered because I ended up yanking the door open (broke the little hook lock) and spanked Ben pretty hard and yelled at him saying, "When I ask you to do something you need to do it!!" And... they didn't get their cookie on the way home. It seems like the great time at the beach got wiped away.
So, I want to know what discipline books you amazing mothers out there would recommend. I feel like Ben has so much attitude, but he is so sweet and good. Lately I feel like most of what I say to him does not compute at all. I'm about to tell him that we are never going to go to the park, play with friends, go to the beach, watch TV, play with our toys, or do anything fun ever again! That might be hard to enforce. I need a system or something. I just don't want him to be 12 years old with this same attitude. I figure I better get this straight now or else I'm going to put him out on the streets by the time he is 5 years old :).
I love him SOOO much... I'm just really struggling with him right now. Maybe tonight I will go back and do a history post of Christmas and all the fun things that we've been doing and not another whining post like I've had the last few times. At least you know that our life isn't perfect as so many of the blogs that I read tend to portray... although I do enjoy reading those blogs... don't get me wrong.
Anyways... I'd love comments with some advice. Thanks friends :)!
26 comments:
Oh my gosh!! Funny and infuriating at the same time. Maddie is only 20 months... but something inside of me says, " she would totally do something like that". I wish I knew the answer. Already I feel like I know NOTHING about this stage in the game. The first 18months has been easy peasy but I feel like times are a changing with this little girl. So I am already keeping my eyes out for a good book. When I come across it or something that rings true I will def. pass it on. The same ol' "patience and consistence" doesn't seem to be working the same. I am already sick of time outs... shes not even 2! lol. Trust me, things are not always peachy at the ponder house haha. I swear I was going to loose it yesterday!
P.S. Way to bust in the door. I knew you were no wussie;) Love that part. You totally rock. I bet your little stinker's eyes were pretty big at that point. he he. makes me chuckle:)
Kathryn...I have some really good material from a parenting class I took here in Charleston. It completely changed my relationship with Katie (who was making me crazy). I would be happy to copy and share the material with you and share some of the things that I learned. I would also highly recommend taking the class from Christine Donovan. She has 8 children and she's really conservative. I loved, loved the course. It was six weeks (once a week for an hour and a half) and it was $90. It was the best $90 I've ever spent. I'll send you a link to her wen site if oure interested and i'll. Even take the class with you if you want. I learned a lot...but a refresher to keep her methods close would be great.
Oh Kathryn. Thank you for posting this. Sometimes I feel like the meanest grouch mom there is. I am sad to say that I have completly lost it too. I was such a good mom with Abigail and my twins are another story completly and it seems like Abigail has gotten more difficult the older she gets. I wish I had a good parenting book to recommend. I have read a few, but not one that I just loved. I am interested to see what your friends say cause I need some help too. You are a good mom Kathryn, I just know it cause you recognize taht something needs to be done now before they are totally crazy teenagers.
I wish I could offer suggestions. Callie hasn't gotten into stuff quite so bad, and I'm getting frustrated enough... Honestly, I don't blame you for giving Ben a spanking for that, though. Sometimes, I think that's the only way to get through to kids. Anyway, I know I would've lost my cool with that!
I guess the only thing I would say is to be consistent, but I'm learning quickly that that's much harder than it sounds!!!
If you end up finding a good solution, I'd love to hear, because I'm sure I'll hit that point eventually!
That's totally normal. I would have lost my cool too.
What if you did pull him out of school?
We did a "joy school" (taught two times a week and rotated between 5 other moms) when Ella was in preschool and it helped her with social skills. Also, as a parent, it helps you control who your child comes in contact with. You know?
It was also a really easy way to point out good behavior. And occasionally, bad.
I still totally lose it with Ella.
Hi Kathryn. Kate is so much like Ben right now. A mind of their own and hard to reason with. Today, we went to lunch with a friend, and she was being such a little stink that I had to take her out in the rain (with no coat) and tell her we wouldn't go back in until she behaved. So she stood and shivered and cried and screamed, "I'm cold, mom!" But we had to stay out there (I was cold too) until she could behave herself. Then we came in and she was much better. It wasn't the funnest lunch. She is like that whenever we go places. Stores are the worst. But we keep trying. And the hugs and squeezes and giggles when she is happy are worth it. Lately, after we have a big disagreement, she says, "You're still the best mommy in the world."
PS. Lindsay is actually Stacy. Don't know how that happened. Too many users on this computer!
I feel for you Kathryn! You're an amazing mother too. Don't ever buy into Satan's trap that you're not good enough. I've read books and I still have my own issues. It's amazing how little children can bring so much joy and then so much anger at the same time. A book that I feel like has helped me is called Children: The Challenge. My mother-in-law gave it to me 'cause that's what she read with her boys, and it worked for her. It's a great book. A little old, but the scenarios are still pretty much the same today. Check it out and see what you think. Hope that helps. Be strong!! You can do it! You're not alone.
I almost called you today. You really do have a little guy that is pushing your buttons. It remindes me of Adam. We came to a head. It got to a point when I felt like I was always yelling and losing it with him. Losing it is where I was going wrong. Don't get me wrong I think Bed got what was coming to him. I know I would have done the same thing.
A real turning point for us with Adam was after a bad day and it resulted in him telling me to "shut up". Josh heard this and that was it for Josh. That night when we were struggeling to get Adam into bed, I put him into time out, Adam faught us; then Josh became the super parent and never raised his voice and was super persistant. I just sat there and let Josh handel it. I knew if I would have stepped in it would have ruined the magic of what was taking place. It was like all the demonds were coming out of Adam he was crazed! I remember Josh saying calmly but sternly "I'm older than you, bigger than you, more stubbern than you, and more patient than you this can take all night but I will win."
It didn't take long after that and Josh won. Adam has been a different little boy since that night.
I really do know how you feel. Your day at the beach sounds like heaven to me right now. It is so ugly up here right now. Enjoy. xoxoxo
Drive away next time!!!!!! Either that or move to Columbus. I hear that kids behave much better there. Something in the drinking water there.
How is this for some man representation on your blog?
Thanks Brian for the man representation... are ya'll moving to Columbus? And thanks to all of you for the great advice and comments. And yes... I agree that you have to hold onto the cute laughs and the good times. Thanks again for all the comments... I love hearing what everyone has to say.
Kathryn-
I can totally feel your pain about the preschool. When we first started Grace in her nursery school class this year I noticed that she gravitated toward the "naughty" kids in class. It bothered me a lot, and I kept wondering why she would choose that way. So I volunteered in her classroom for the day so I could watch her interact. I realized that a lot of the other kids were either really shy, or just not great communicators... and Gracie just wants to talk your ear off. I realized the "naughty" kids happened to also have better social skills...Grrrrrrrrreat! I sat Gracie down and told her basically "its ok to be everyone's friend. But if our friends are doing something that is naughty, that does NOT make it ok fo you to do it." She still has problems sometimes where I'll hear her say something I don't like. I'll just stop her right in that moment and tell her "oh, Gracie, that is NOT a nice word. We don't use that word." Usually she'll tell me right where she heard it from. I tell her "remember, just because our friends might do or say something naughty, that doesn't mean its ok for you." I've even caught her telling her friends sometimes "that's not a nice word"
I know she's going to be exposed to things that I'd rather she wasn't, but I figure at some point she's going to need to know how to deal with it when it does happen, and if she learns how to do that now, hopefully it will make it easier in the long run.
As far as at home, I've realized I just have to be on top of my game. She thrives on structure. Of course, we still give lots of reminders, but most days we can avoid time outs. I find most of the time her misbehavior is a PLEA for attention. I know that realistically she can't have my attention 24/7 but, if I can get her started on a craft, or start playing and imagining with her she usually can continue on herself much better.
I dont know if that helps even a little bit, but I really hope you guys are able to find a happy balance soon. (And it is ALWAYS a balncing act.) Some days will always be not so great, but hopefully they'll be outweighed by the good ones!
WOW- sorry, I didn't mean to write a book. I just feel like we're just right in the same spot.
Wow. I have days where I feel just like this. Our oldest is usually the greatest kids, but now that she's four she's got the same attitude as your Ben. I've found if I sit down and talk to her about how her attitude hurts my feelings, and doesn't help her in any way, she does a lot better. I've learned they are way smarter then we give them credit for and sometimes treating them like they are 12 helps a lot. Good luck with your boys, they are super cute!
Hey Kathryn--I feel your pain. Lizzy used to do the same thing to me--laugh--ahhhh so frustrting. I really don't have any advice cause I tried a million things. The only thing I can say is hang on cause sooner or later he will grow out of it. (Liz doen't do it anymore thank goodness, but James is starting too--sigh)
Kathryn, oh MAN do i miss you. Jake and I still talk about the fun we had with you and Boyd. You guys are some of the best people ever. I totally and completely 100% understand your frustrations. Jenna was such a difficult two-turning-three-year-old. But seriously, I just watched a ton of Super Nanny and followed her advice to a T. We've got her whole naughty chair system down pat and it has really worked for us. I think consistency and following through with threats/warnings is the key. I don't know, I'm a total amateur and I know I've got it coming with Callie. She's such a tornado. But so far, Jo Jo has helped us the most. Good luck!
Kathryn,
In response to Brian's response--yeah, we're probably moving to Columbus. That's closer to you guys at least!! And also, I'm so sorry you're so frustrated. I think you're an awesome mom! Believe me when I say you're not alone in getting frustrated. I pray every day for patience and help (I've even gotten a blessing from Brian when times were really hard).
As for books, my very favorite (I HIGHLY recommend it) is the Power of Positive Parenting. It is great. And miraculous. I'm not the best at always following it (b/c he really wants you to ignore unwanted behaviors and remain emotionless and sometimes that is REALLY hard for me), but I love that it makes me look for and praise the good and my kids totally go for it (it works in my church class too!). That book has really helped (Brian and I read it together too which was nice).
Really trying to remain emotionless is the key for me. I've recently decided that I'm tired of getting tired of my kids about not cleaning up, and I've decided that if they don't clean something up, we'll give it away. I've moved past putting it in time out...I'm just like, "if you have so much stuff that you're not going to clean it up, then I'll give it away." I guess the other big thing with my kids is making sure that I follow through with consequences. If they don't listen and I threaten something--I have to follow through.
Sorry about the preschool friends thing too. I wish you could be out here and do joy school with us! Megan is always playing pretend and going to Carolina to see Ben. We miss you guys!
So yeah...parenting is hard huh? But you can do it!
We're going to call you one of these days. Let's both go on a walk and call each other while walking so it can seem like old times. Except it will be beautiful there and pouring rain here... :)
Hey Karen Yeates, we all want this amazing info.
I think that even if you haven't gotten any good advice about parenting, at least this blog post let's you know that the best way to get comments is to ask for advice.
:)
I spanked Brigham until my hand hurt last week. It's probably the fourth time in his life I've ever spanked him. He peed on the bathroom floor deliberately (he's six) and when I asked him why . . . he said, "That spot on the floor was already dirty."
Kathryn,
Once you get it figured out be sure to email Cortney...same story plays out about every day around these parts.
Glad we found your blog.
Ben
Yeah, I totally know how you feel. There's been times when I've wanted to tie up my four-year-old and leave him in a closet for a couple hours while I go cool off and nap. But .. we know better. Something that has really helped me was Loved and Logic. there's a special edition for kids under 6. It focuses on good choices vs. bad choices, letting children learn from their mistakes using natural consequences. The biggest thing it has done for me is to teach me how to keep my cool when my little one is being a stinker. It makes parenting less stressful.
I could have totally written this post. Matthew acts the same way. We can be having a really great time and then all of the sudden he does something he should not and I lose it. I don't have any ideas, we have tried a lot of different things, threats, bribes, counting. I really hope they grow out of this. By the way, we are going to be in SC in May, we would love to see you guys.
ugh, like everyone else on here i too am in the same boat. jagger is finally growing out of his super naughtyness, but not totally. and all thru it i felt like a super naughty mom. i tried everything and nothing seemed to work. i just made sure to tell him i loved him and that i was happy to be his mama at the end of every day. to always say my sorry. and to pray A LOT. good luck. love you!
it sounds like you're not alone in dealing with this, and like it might just be an age thing that he'll grow out of, since it seems to be fairly common. Naomi does the same type of stuff, and I've also been disappointed with some of the things she's learned from her friends at preschool. I don't know what to do about the preschool/friend issue either :( I asked my dad what to do about the disobedience and total unreasonableness of Naomi, and he said that i need to be consistent (don't make threats you can't follow through on) and to always try to teach a principle rather than just saying "no" or "stop". Explain why. And he also said to always do things in a way that makes it so your child will still know that you love them. It has helped me a lot to think about that before I respond/react to something Naomi does. Instead of acting like a 4 year old myself (which honestly is what happens when i don't take time to stop and think about the best thing to do), I have had a lot more patience and been able to respond in a way that she listens to better anyway. The problem isn't solved, but it's easier to manage. I really do think it's an age thing. My sister-in-law recently posted this on our family blog and it really rang true to me and made me feel a lot better about our stubborn/persistent children:
"today we all want/expect our children to be these quiet, docile, and passive kids that do whatever we want. But in reality, the Lord is now sending his strongest, toughest spirits so they can withstand the adversary and defend the church in these last days. It's not going to be easy to raise our kids."
-Sister Julie B. Beck
hope your days get a little better! hang in there and know we're all in it with ya!
I have good news. This is a phase and it goes with the age and the "starting school" stress. It's not so much the kids as the situation, but I wouldn't take him out, if I were you, because when you start him again he'll go through it all over again.
Brady is exactly the same way and he has a friend two years older who went through it too. When Brady was two (and such a sweetie), she was four and what a brat! They would come over and she drove everyone nuts! Her mom was so frazzled. I couldn't believe it because the girl's parents were fantastic people. They told us the only way to deal with it is to set punishment rules and NEVER make exceptions.
So now that little girl is five and you've never seen such a nice, polite little kid! Brady, on the other hand, has picked up that same 'I'm not listening' attitude. He drives me nuts! I'm turning into a nag and I've never lost my temper so often in my life! Grrr! (Being pregers and sick has not helped at all!)
What works best for us is for me to put just as much energy in rewards as I do in anger moments. When Brady locks me out of the house and laughs through the window, I get seriously mad. Then when he helps clean the living room or shares with his brother, I give him millions of hugs and tell him how proud I am. Brady loves the positive attention.
Hope he grows out of it soon and that you can find something that works for you!
Miss you!
Laura (Thomas) Lyle
Well it seems you're definitely not alone Kathryn! I feel you on this too. It seems they know just exactly how to push you over the edge sometimes. I had a day like that today and all I can say is thank goodness they're finally asleep!
I really like the Love and Logic books. I used them in my classroom when I taught school and I love the principle. It mainly is about making "deposits" in a kids behavior "bank" by letting the them make little choices throughout the day ( with two options you approve of and can follow through with). Later you can "withdraw" by having them do something you choose.
Glad to know though that I'm not the only one dealing with this kind of thing though! : ) Good luck!
I'm a little late in reading this (sorry, I'm not up to date on my blog stalking).
A couple of parenting books that we have found useful:
Love & Logic
Wild Things
L&L is a quick read with a simple but effective approach. Wild Things is a book about how to raise boys. I learned SO MUCH about boys reading that book and it's made a HUGE difference.
Both books are ones that we recommended to us and that we have since recommended to others.
Being a mom is tough but you are an amazing mom.
{hugs}
Sarah
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